


Love and Nightmares

by Azek



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M, Post-Dragon Age II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 10:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5331386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azek/pseuds/Azek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 3 days after Kirkwall burned. Ian Hawke is fleeing Kirkwall with his remaining friends. Hawke's persistent nightmares wake him and he finds a secluded place to decompress and reflect on the events leading up to the Chantry's destruction by the man he loves: Anders. </p><p>Minor mentions of all companions excluding characters from expansions... because I hadn't had them at that point. X'D</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and Nightmares

 

       Hawke watched, powerless, as a shaft of terrible red light erupted through Kirkwall’s Chantry up into the night sky. A magical force gathered the crumbling building like so many toy blocks and cast them towards the horizons as if they’d been shot from a canon. Every single person inside dead, along with any hope of a peaceful resolution to the mess he found himself neck deep in. And he had been made an unwitting accomplice by the man he could see clearly despite the abrupt shifts in light. He conveyed his pain, sorrow, disbelief, and horror into one question:

“Was that… Why you needed me to distract the grand cleric…?”

The man was Anders, and he simply stared resolutely back, forced on his knees, Fenris pacing in front of him, sword drawn.

He offered no defense, no apology; he wasn’t sorry for what he’d done.

Fenris wheeled around, pacing still, pointing his blade accusingly towards Anders.

“He has struck a blow for mages. They won’t remain in their Circles now. They will all rise up and begin a new reign of terror; because of him! Every one of his kind deserve to die. They can’t be trusted with that kind of power; any kind of power. I’ve told you of Tevinter,” Fenris paused briefly to cast a fierce look in Hawke’s direction, and then continued.

“His crime will lead to another Imperium, if they do not all die; and we should start with him!” Fenris snarled, stopping with finality in front of Anders.

Hawke could feel himself breaking. This couldn’t be real. Fenris’ wrath chipped away at his own muddled emotions until all that was left was a cold dread. So many were already gone and now Fenris was calling for Anders’ head. Fenris, the knight-commander Meredith and her Templars, even the Circle mages, who didn’t want this rebellion; he could feel the bloodlust and resentment radiating from so many of them. Images of mages falling victim to Templar and Demon alike assailed him: mages killed by Fenris, Templars slain by panicked and vengeful mages; fear and turmoil would quickly grip the city. Regardless of what happened now, there would be more death.

He could feel their eyes needling him insistently. The Mages and Templars would make him pick a side; _their_ side. They would force him to draw his blade; either in defense or condemnation, and the first to fall would be the man who started it all. But he couldn’t; he couldn’t just let them kill Anders. Not even after what he had done. Especially not like this.

Hawke could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest; his throat constricted with fear, denial, and anger. This couldn’t be real, he wouldn’t let this happen. He cried out his objection:

“Fenris, no!”

But Fenris had already known what he would say; had anticipated his reaction from the very beginning. He scowled over his shoulder at Hawke then turned back to Anders silently raising his blade.

Hawke rushed to intervene.

 “NO!”

\---

Somewhere in the Free Marches

Hawke startled awake, the nightmares fear still lingering like a wound from a blade. He sat up and looked around. He was on his bed roll in the camp he and his companions had set up. It was still dark out but Hawke could tell who was who by their silhouettes: Varric, Bethany, Aveline, and Meryl. Hawke glanced down at the bed roll where his final companion rested next to him. Anders was still sleeping quietly. The fear faded away and he relaxed. He flopped back down on his sleeping roll, staring up at the stars through the trees around their camp. He felt tired and completely awake all at once.  He didn’t want to go to sleep with that nightmare still on the edge of his thoughts.

He stood soundlessly. He needed to move, so he started walking; there was a creek nearby that he could walk in if he chose to. He left his boots and armor behind, but took one of his daggers with him. Even out here in the middle of nowhere, they could still be attacked; better armed then dead. He walked away from the camp.

They’d been running for three days now. Aveline had it firmly in her mind that she would get Hawke out of the Free Marches, and then she was going to return to Kirkwall. Someone had to clean up the damage and no one was more qualified or more determined than Aveline Vallen. Hawke was both grateful for her company and for her conviction. Varric was just as adamant about staying by his side and Hawke trusted the dwarf with his life. Meryl’s goal was similar to Aveline’s except that she wanted to return to the Kirkwall Alienage because they hadn’t heard good things about what was happening there. Bethany had shown up near the end of the events following the destruction of the Kirkwall Chantry. He had been frazzled when she made her appearance and nearly overcome when he realized it was her; he hadn’t expected to see her again. It had felt like she’d returned from the dead. They would stay together now, just like old times. Their relationship was still a little rough. Bethany had said that she’d forgiven him for what had happened in the Deep Roads, but some wounds take longer to heal than others. Now, she would have that time.

Hawke reached the creek and promptly strode in. The water was cold; Hawke walked in just past his knees.

Anders… Varric didn’t understand why Hawke hadn’t killed him. After all Anders had killed dozens with the explosion he caused. Varric didn’t question it, but Hawke could tell that Anders’ presence made him uneasy. Meryl thought Hawke had spared him because he had some use left. She didn’t understand why he was still traveling with them. They’d argued frequently and soon stopped talking all together. Once, Anders had stormed off. Meryl had felt bad about it afterwards, even though her opinion was the same, and she apologized… to Hawke.

Aveline didn’t like having Anders’ around either, but she did understand why. Bethany understood, too, perhaps better than anyone else. She even approved of his decision. Anders had been speechless. He was grateful to be alive and humbled that Hawke had still accepted him, even after what he’d done. Hawke wasn’t sure if letting Anders live was wrong or right, which left him feeling caught between guilt and a desperate feeling he couldn’t quite name.

But it was the only decision he could live with.

Even though the former emotions would emerge every time he questioned the decision, he still came to the same conclusion. It was comforting, at least for a little while.

Hawke had not approved of Anders’ actions; he had been furious, appalled, and felt set adrift. Anders’ had only tried to apologize once: for lying to him, for putting him through all of it. Hawke had told him not to. Not because he forgave him but because he couldn’t. He loved the man and he couldn’t forgive him. That hurt the worst. Anders was passionate, kind, and usually cared deeply about his effect on those around him. It was difficult to relate that same man to the one who had committed mass murder. Every time he thought about it, all he could feel was a near blinding, red-hot rage and overwhelming pain in his heart. He couldn’t talk about it. His throat and jaw locked up and he had to go off and be alone until he calmed down. He still loved Anders; the kind and caring man was still there, mired in his own actions, bitter resolve, and lingering resentment. Anders had been hurting, too, and the injustice pushed on mages by Templars and fellow Circle mages had led him here. Led him to a terrible choice; and he’d made the worst choice. It wasn’t something they would ever see eye to eye on. Anders had harmed him very deeply. It would take time to sift through his feelings, but Hawke still wanted to be with Anders. His love for Anders was as confusing as it was persistent. They had a lot to work through but they both wanted to work through it.

Unable to apologize, Anders swore he would never lie to him again. Those words had helped mend something that had broken between them. They had loosened something that had hardened in his heart. It was a start. Hawke could accept that.

\---

As for the nightmares: they truly began shortly after his family and he had settled into his Uncle Gamlen’s house in Low Town; when he was no longer stressed or worried about finding a way for them all to survive. The nightmares had been of Carvers death and the destruction of their home in Lothering. Bethany had them, too, and that had somehow helped ease the nightmares. Then, a year later she fell victim to the Blight in the Deep Roads and became a Grey Warden in order to survive. It had been unclear whether or not she would even endure long enough to become a warden. The dreams returned, though they diminished when he learned that she was alive. Three years later and the nightmares came back, this time with a vengeance. His mother was targeted by a blood mage attempting a twisted form of magic (he had learned years later that Orsino had known about the apostate. Orsino hadn’t lived long enough for Hawke to even consider any form of reparations or revenge).

She died. Hawke hadn’t been able to sleep, guilt and the nightmares keeping him awake. It was hard to accept that she was gone. She’d always been there, and then he’d had no one.

Anders had helped with the nightmares and the ensuing confrontation with the Arishok of the ‘guest’ Qunari and the aftermath drove them away. Not to mention that being stabbed and nearly cut in half by a sword nearly twice his height surprisingly lent pretty well to dreamless sleep, much more than one might expect. His friends had made sure that he’d been alright, too. Aveline had known exactly what he’d needed most: time; she’d made sure that he got it. Varric had done such an extravagant (and entertaining) job of spreading and embellishing the events at the Keep that either people felt too inadequate to approach him or too scared out of their wits. Hawke had appreciated the space. Varric had brushed of his thanks and bought him an ale. Meryl had simply picked some flowers. She had blustered something about ‘human’ tradition and had held them out to him. He’d thanked Meryl and she had smiled and then let him be. Isabela bought him more ale.

Now the nightmares were back again; resurrected by the events three days ago. Thanks largely to Anders. To be fair, no one could have foreseen the events that followed the destruction of the Chantry: Orsino betraying his values and resorting to blood magic, Knight Commander Meredith’s possession of the Red Lyrium idol, her terrifying, super-human powers and subsequent descent into erratic violence. Fenris died fighting for the Templars (Hawke still felt guilty about that regardless of the fact that they’d rarely gotten along). When it was finally over, Knight Captain Cullen had let them leave. Hawke hadn’t expected to escape the city alive, not after he made the decision to defend the mages.

So, here they were in the middle of nowhere, trying to find a port (though, first they needed to find a city) so that Hawke could leave the Free Marches. Too bad he couldn’t leave the nightmares behind, as well. He found that last thought morbidly amusing. Maybe he could take up writing like Varric…

He closed his eyes and breathed out; letting his thoughts trickle away after the cool water.

“Ian?”

Hawke didn’t turn around and only managed not to jump out of his skin because he was freezing cold. He’d been standing in the water for several minutes now.

It was Anders.

The mage padded into the water and came up to Hawke’s side.

Hawke’s eyes slid over to him and he smiled, shrugging sheepishly.

“Bad dreams again?”

Though Anders had become increasingly more impatient over the last three years he never became irritated with Hawke's persistent ‘bad dreams’. Hawke suspected it was because Anders had them, too. He’d also mellowed out somewhat after Hawke asked him to stay.

“I needed to walk. I didn’t think I woke you. I’m sorry.”

Anders smiled slightly and shook his head.

“No, I only woke up a few minutes ago. You worry too much, Ian. I’m glad you’re alright.”

Hawke laughed, with a little more force then he’d intended. He felt surprisingly relieved that Anders had appeared. “ _I_ worry too much?”

Anders broke into a full smile that Hawke rarely saw these days. It made him believe that this man had carried a kitten, of all things, around in his pack while venturing into the deep roads.

“Come back to camp with me?” Anders asked, carefully taking Hawkes hand in his. They turned around and Hawke let Anders lead him out of the creek.

“You are absolutely freezing! You’ll catch a cold wading around in frigid rivers in the middle of the night waiting around for a handsome mage to come rescue you; and give him a heart attack!”

Hawke had to laugh again and pulled Anders closer.

“It’s a good thing you’re a healer then.” Hawke said smiling, before he had to turn his head away from Anders’ to sneeze into his elbow.

Anders gave him a mock grave look, “you’re going to need one, Love.”

That was the Anders he remembered.

That was the man he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> This was from my first full play through of DA: II so I missed out on a bunch of the side quests, because I was being silly and thought it would be like DA: Inquisition and the missions would still be available at the end. Yeah... Anyway, I also want to mention that I like Fenris just fine, and that his siding with the Templars was largely due to the fact that I didn't take him with me to the Wounded coast, like, ever.... Yeah, I promise I did better in my other play throughs X'D


End file.
